Forgiveness

forgiveness is the hardest word

and it is myself that it is hardest to forgive

for with others i know

they were doing their best

or as jesus said

when they nailed them to a cross

forgive them

for they know not what they do

and to others i can forgive

though it was harder to forgive those

who said that i was unforgivable

but they i do forgive

and i remember this

when i come to forgive myself

that often i do not know what i do

have hurt others from the hurt inside

and spread that throughout the world

in a chain reaction

but i have no choice

i am no different than others

i am not perfect

though i strive for goodness

i fall down and hard

and have lashed out too many a time

but i forgive myself

i forgive myself

i forgive myself….

 

lost

I feel that i have lost my way
on this journey i know not where i go
eyes do not brim with joy
or voice speak with enthusiasm
the critic comes out
and i do not seek forward anything
i do not know why i come
or where i go
but i do not have a place
to which i can return
no roots
no base
as i have moved around for so long
never building up where i am
lord i cannot carry my pack much more
it is overloaded and bulky
and my back is giving out
lord i am not that string
i long for a home i do not have
i do not know how to create one
to build one up
i do not know how to do it alone
and this pain filters out.

I feel so alone
i am alone
i know that god is there
but i need arms to embrace me
someone to love me
to tell me that i am good
and ok
that i am wanted
and not a burden
or someone who would be acceptable
if only i were fixed
that i am too damaged to be involved as i am

i pack my bags again today
move along on this journey
cut off so much
no place to return to
no place called home
and i no longer believe
that it will ever appear

i cannot do it alone
i need someone to hold my hand
and hug me when i am afraid
will i ever have a place to stay
even here the 30 days
how to commit
to build up
instead of spread my poison and destroy
but when this loneliness creeps up
as it often does
all comes crashing down
this loneliness i have lived with for so long
i do not remember a time it was not there
i smile and say i am independent
but i need to smile for real
to no longer be afraid
lord
i want to go home.

lord, light a candle for me.

simple life

I came to write
to write about the people
hard working people
who do gods work
accept their lot
or seek to change
but who seem to live full
in the now
sad eyes are seen in places
but also joy

sweep the floors
the sidewalk outside
keep themselves neat
emerge from small homes
a single bulb
or sometimes more
pressed, combed, shined and cleaned
best face forward
hard workers of the land
buy, sell, drive, grow
make a life
from what is there
not those who are beaten down
but those who do,

work,a part of life
not a rush or a hurry
take the time to chat and smile
it is what you do
not who you are

family, friends
a day at the beach
the morning paper
a coke or snack in the park
a Christmas apple
a bike ride through the street
part of the day
life intertwined

A crowded ride
sweat pours down
a cloth to wipe your face
five across on a school bus
but there is room for more
buy a drink
a snack from those who come to sell
all part of the dance of life

and the dance goes on

have the children
babes in arm
toddlers in hand
watch them grow
all around
to who they are
cycle continues
life goes on

nothing guaranteed
live the moment
food on the plate
roof over head
joy for a moment
the fleeting moment
yet i always seek out more

complicate the simple
always want to know why
to understand
and make sense of what is
and search out the something other
that lingers in my mind
the quest that is endless
and is not simple

and fetishize
a life that is not as simple
as i make it out to be

alicewandersland

I have gone by the name alicewandersland
in this online world
off and on for some time
for the past 7 years
at times i let it go and then it reclaims me
and i am off on another journey
or at times i wish to deny it and throw it away
have i created it or has it created me
i do not know

the name alice was given
but the latter i chose
based on my journeys and the famous book
my twist on the title that was so familiar

i have the urge to explore
but also drift endlessly
often not present where i am
wandering, observing
the outside looking on
not participating in building what is there
and i now wish to join the dance of life

i read a book, a marlo morgan book
but one where in the culture you change your name throughout life
relates to what you do or where you stand
a name that is chosen carefully,
one that may be changed again
once it no longer fits,
once another calls more strongly
of the current one constrains.

i think it is time that i thought of another name
(or do i accept that this is my role in this incantation here on earth)
i struggle with the two
but there must be a third way
one that fits.

christmas

Christmas,
the mass for christ
the day we choose to celebrate
his birth
the birth of light
out of the darkness
of the winter night

Solstice has passed
days grow in length
a little more light
with each passing day

Candles abound
and bright lights glow
but we need them no more
for his presence does grow

Here is seems different
days are the same
throughout the year
half of light,
and half of dark,

rainy and dry define the seasons
now is summer
though we are north of the equator
the light is intense at the midday
hide in the shadows and shade
to escape its heat
and the light that burns
but it is still christmas
the birth of the one
who reminded the world
and let his light shone

it does not seem the same
as the christmas i know
but i must heed the message
and let my light grow.

Christmas Eve

I have failed to light the candles this past month

as i wander upon uncharted territory

i carry my baggage upon my back

and emotions and feelings return

those which i though i had dropped

and left behind

and in this new land

a cloud appears upon my brain

and in my eyes and ears

i do not see or hear

but on this eve,

on this day,

i will give myself a present

i will light a candle tonight

keep on lighting them

though at times the rain inside is great

though the sky above is a bright blue

i will remember what i have written

and try once again

to live by the words of the lord

and remember the light he carried within

will visit the monuments to him

and remember the true spirit of christmas

instead of grumble about what it has become

or moan my aloneness on this day

for a candle needs to be lit.

learning language

i understand why a baby cries
why a toddler screams and shouts
stomps up and down
with the frustration that lay inside
unable to express
its needs and desires
its thoughts and questions
in any other way

i feel it too.
i cannot ask for what i want
or need
or express the ideas
yearnings
frustrations
and life
in my mind.
A word wants to come out
but i draw a blank
and stand mouth hanging open
silent or stumbling on sounds

My head is both full and empty
words float around but do not connect

They cannot understand what i have to say
and i do not fully understand what they tell me
a word here and there
a facial expression
a gesture to accompany the sounds
but i cannot express
all that lay deep inside

complex thoughts become simple
disappear
only half of what i want to say makes its way out
and then it is jumbled
like the words in my head,
like my thoughts become
simple and unformed

I am frustrated
want the sentences to flow from my mouth
but i can barely ask a question
i feel stupid
though i know i am not
i sound stupid
there is so much there that i cannot say
i feel incompetent
the complex becomes simple
ideas inside become simple
as i try to think in another language
one i barely know
that i try to learn.
Am i challenging
or punishing myself
forming new connections in the brain?
or stripping away the possibility of complex thought?
and is that in itself opening me up for more
for beyond
the chatter inside quietens
becomes mundane,
banal
for those are the only words i know
and i can never remember the howevers, therefores, and changes in tenses
or the words for the ideas that i have
Can i embrace the stillness and simplicity?
Do i want to?
Should I?

I want to cry like a baby
who knows no other way to talk
i feel like a toddler
who utters words, mispronounced
and points and grabs
who yells no nono no
when they dont understand
but i am not a baby
with another attuned to me
who can sense what i feel
who really wants to know
I am frustrated
i do not scream
i write.

And how often do we find ourselves unable to express that which is inside. But we need to find a way, be it through language, action, creativity or something, to let our being shine through. It can be frustrating when we have not found a away, or when we are amongst others who just cannot understand what we have to say, and we cannot understand them. Is patience the answer, is learning, is finding another way? Language can unite and it can divide, we speak in many tongues, and what most of us want is to be understood.

Confidence Challenges

My confidence has bounced up and down,
i do not feel as certain as before,
A loss of the illusion of control
for more often i do not know,
do not know how to negotiate this place and way.
I no longer make definitive statements
all i utter seems to end in a question mark
For i am no longer sure
of much,
of anything.

Automatic pilot is on strike,
As i must react to all that comes in
what was known becomes unknown
in this different zone
what was familar becomes unfamiliar,
i am like a child
learning once again
i know longer know
how to cross the street.
where to eat
where to buy paper
how to get the hot water in a shower
how to find the question make on the keyboard
where to ride a bus, and which one to take
even the simple takes thought
And my mind is constantly active
not confident in the little decisions i make
was this the best place
was i overcharged
what do i eat
prices no longer make sense
not just the currency but in their relation to one another.
why is this so cheap and this so expensive,
all is different as i negotiate new terrain.

It is stress,
not a negative,
not a positive,
it just is,
a heighten sense of alertness
where one must always decide
react
not with customary patterns,
but in new ways
i feel alive
i feel exhausted
i grow

slowly it will return
and i will be more sure
having stretched my boundaries,
i will leave this uncomfortable zone
of that i am confident
and though i must pass through this zone,
the more i do the more confidence grows
the more i challenge myself
the more that i pass through
the more that i believe that i can.
And i am starting to understand this place.

Lost and Found or not

I seem to be losing things. In the last 36 hours i have lost three items. I am in an energy flux as i embark on a new phase of my life. As energy shifts some things give way. So i say.  Or have i just been tense and distracted and are my losses but a sign – a sign of something,

The first item i lost was my sarong – something i had valued and packed separately so i could use it on the bus across New York state. And i did. But on that trip i entered into a zone of negativity and by the time i arrived my energy was down and i was asking myself did i have what i needed. It was only later that my daypack felt less stuffed, lighter and i wondered what was missing. At first, I figured that was just the lunch i had eaten that was no longer there. No it was too light and roomy, and i realized my sarong was gone. By then i was far away from where i got off and the bus was turned around, back to where i came from.

The second article i lost the next night, after arriving in costa rica - after another long day of travel. But this thing i had not even known was gone. I got in late, and quickly had gone to bed. I checked for the essentials, as i had been disorganized after going through immigration and customs and getting a cab and kept dropping my reservation form at the desk. I had made it in, so now i could try to rest. The next morning, after breakfast, the owner of the hostel where i was staying came forward with my fleece jacket – the cabbie from the night before had come back late, bringing it for me after i had gone to bed. I had left it in the back of the cab. I have not seen him but i thank him. I Had not noticed it gone, but it was. It came back. The night before the when we pulled up to the hostel it looked shut for the nights but the cabbie had waited until someone answered – a blessing. i had been told not to trust them, but this person went out of their way to return something to me.

The third items was my journal. It was a couple of hours before i realized it was gone – but when i came in and sat down here the last time to type and realized that it was not in my pack i panicked, my heart dropped. I searched, back to the hostel, my room, the kitchen not there – a panic – rush out, back to the square where i had last sat, trying to remember what bench i was on, certain that i had written since leaving the last internet cafe wanting a nap.  All benches were full and i could not see anything.  ”ok its gone” i said, sad, but it was new, not much only written there and perhaps it was best just to let go.  I went to the paper store across the street – a long line of people waiting to select the papers, pens etc which were all kept behind the counter and just how would i ask for what i need in Spanish? I say, i doubt it, but maybe it was where i had used the internet, maybe i had not taken it out in the park. I go back, up to the counter to ask and see it sitting there, Gracias, muchos gracias i say, and calmed.

Losses are an inevitable part of life. Some things, people or ways of life may disappear forever. Some may have been gone, but come back before you realize that they were as your mind was somewhere else. Others you will find again, and with the loss you will find what you value. In times of transition losses are inevitable as you make way for the new.

Temporary Emotions

I travel now, move quickly through time and space. The entry i had written in my journal yesterday seems so far away that i can no longer type it up here and that is fine. For if the emotions i felt were temporary, they will return, but i hope not for i was going to write about resentment, and that feeling is gone.

When you move through space, travel quickly, emotions bounce up and down, intense and near the surface. And they claim you for a moment. But what this reminds me, it that all is fleeting and passing through, nothing is permanent. And my movement makes the movement within much faster and deeper – nothing sticks around for long. And when i am in a negative zone where it feels so encompassing i must remember that it will pass. it may come back but that too will pass.

I will not write about resentment here, though i did in my journal. I had to let it pass through me through words. But if i write about it again, i will only return to that space where i do not wish to be. My emotions have been near the surface – the tears i shed on the plane because i forgot to bring headphones, so real, an internal meltdown, only to find there were some in the seat 0 and yes i could watch the film. All is raw, but that is good, all i felt for months in stability seems like a dream, as will this that i write. 

 

« Older entries