whine

I wanted to let go and i threw it all away. I thought i could empty myself of the pain and all that binds, but instead i feel empty of all, a mere walking shell. And the body i sought to come into seems to be all that i now have. But like me shoes and the little i own, it is ragged and falling apart. Like my life, so it seems. The shoes that were barely together have ripped apart under my feet, my feet that feel they can walk no more. The strap on my bag snapped the other day, my burden harder to bear. My glasses are old, my vision less clear, and to read strains my eyes. I sought time for myself, time to heal, but never really let go. I came into myself and thats all that i saw, and became oh so self absorbed. I wanted to love, to connect so bad, but am now entirely alone. Lord, i do not know if i have the strength to go on. I wrote the words and spoke the wisdom, but did not have clear ears to hear, and i was blind to what i put down for all with eyes to see.

This journey has been long, like the roads on which i meander and pace back and forth. I have been so many places that spoke of you, where your grandeaur, beauty and wisdom aboud. I am like a ship without a rudder, a boat without a sail, i bounce around to and fro floating on the vast seas. A ship without a port. Or like a bird that does not ride the current, but is tossed around by the prevailing winds. Many paths i have, some etched so deep, but it seems no place to land. I have spurted out in so many directions, and along paths that do not meet, bold leaps i take and a bounce around from place to place to place. The centre is gone, both inside and out, where i can stop to bring it all in.

To join the experiences and learnings that brought me here, and integrate the lessons learned. Bring together the vast diversity that makes me who i am. Take all the voices and the noise that compete in a disorderly cacaphony, bring them together into a choir and grand symphony. No longer attempt to silence some placing ducktape over their mouths or by barring them behind a door. The sounds may be muffled and muted, as others take the stage, but when voices are silenced, they often come back louder and enraged. And those that I valued may have given up when their song is no longer engaged. But to accept all the parts, the players i have, and train them to sing well. Bring them together in harmony, each vibration adding to the whole, at times some will play louder, take center stage, but orchestra plays. But can i become a conductor at this stage?

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