A confession – the first of many i am sure. I will take notice and admit publically when i fall short of my ideals and hold the light within instead of shining it out. I do it often enough; often in small ways, but i realize there is truly no small thing – for all add up and make part of the oneness of it all.
Today is the first day of the year and already i have failed a test (again). I acted selfishly when i could have helped someone out. it was not convenient. it would put me out a bit. they had another way around, and so along with others i said no. i stay at a hostel in a dorm room. An older woman came in and wanted a bottom bunk, and none were available in this room. I have one of the bottom bunks, and despite the rickety beds and lack of a true ladder, i could have made it down in the middle of the night. But there was a co-ed dorm with empty beds, and so she moved downstairs instead. But i feel bad and guilty and know i did wrong, and the worst thing is that i knew it at the time.
If i truly walked in the light, i would have quickly offered mine up, been happy to help out, but instead i acted selfishly, and i’ll have more bad karma come back at me. I had an internal warning, time to prepare, for when i checked in three nights ago i had a feeling, and several since, that someone would move me out of my bed. instead of being grateful for the space i had, and then graciously giving it up to someone who needed it more, i clung on to what i had. i feel like a hypocrite as i act in ways i condemn in others – and again if i truly walked in the light i would not ask why me and not they.
It’s just a small thing i try to justify, but there really are no small things for every act contributes to the oneness that is all. And if i cannot be trusted with the small, then how can i be trusted with the great? it is not the guilt that will hinder my ascension, but the act that produced it. the oneness, purpose and joy that i felt today has now turned to making faces in the mirror, for i am not nearly as good as i make myself out to be.
But if i acknowledge when my light fails to shine, admit it, learn and let it go, i am shedding light on a darker place and thus helping the light to grow. and there are no small acts.
