Today, and for the past few days i have spent the day wandering, something that i realize that i have done in various locales (mainly cities) on this Central American phase of my journey. And it is something that i have done so much elsewhere, at so many times, even given myself the name alicewandersland. And i have been pacing and nervous about the future to a certain extent.
The future is not the now, and i have not totally let go of worry as hard as i try. And at time the past comes up, but that is easier to let go of. But i draw a blank, what is my purpose here, why am i here. And the past few days in this town, is one of the times as of late that i have not had an immediate purpose, a raison d´etre for my day. The last time i felt this circling was also a time when i felt purposeless. for i have studied spanish, meditation, esoteric thought, visited places with activities at hand, be they walking through the forest or feeling the energy of ancient ruins. But now, there is no cohesion to my day.
And it has been that way for so long, and thinking about purpose stresses me. I know that i am here to serve god, but i am not sure how best to do so. What is my call? Just let it be and live each day the best i can, i know, but there is something more. And when i start to dwell on it i end up caught in the mind, in the same old boring circular story of ¨me¨, and the dark side and shadows emerge and the light dims. I wish to expand beyond that, beyond the me, beyond the boundaries that i have defined.
I have written elsewhere about journeys, and the focus on the destination, and to live the journey, know not where i go, but to walk towards the light. But still, what is my purpose, why am i here, at times i think i know, but then i dont, what is the ego, and what is gods voice? I become still and i hear, but then something else pops in. So i wander, explore, indecisive but somehow grow.
But what do i give? Do i give love, light, and i must admit, the answer is too often no. But maybe by living my path, i do provide illumination of some sort, both when i shine and when i reveal the shadows. But what is my purpose – for life, for the day.
Purpose
March 10, 2010 at 1:41 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: call, loss, purpose, transition
Dare to Sing
October 27, 2009 at 12:25 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: call, daring, dreams, fear, poem
What if the Beatles did not sing?
What if Picasso refused to paint?
What if the builders did not build
and the preachers did not preach?
If Jesus bowed down at the temple
and the philosophers accepted the wisdom of the day?
What if Einstein played it safe and remained a clerk
and the starving artists refused to starve
and the writers with cold fingers demanded warmth?
What if all the greats had not followed their dreams,
had cut out their hearts
and learned to fear
hunger and the cold
public condemnation and ridicule
and sold themselves short
gave in to the acceptable channels?
the boundaries would not move
work would be strangulated
and vision would be shut down.
And how many voices do we not hear?
and how many visions go unseen
music unheard or a tinny pop replica of what could be
when the hearts and calls remain buried inside?
and what would the world be
if we all dared to sing?
to light a fire
to shine our hearts?
