My confidence has bounced up and down,
i do not feel as certain as before,
A loss of the illusion of control
for more often i do not know,
do not know how to negotiate this place and way.
I no longer make definitive statements
all i utter seems to end in a question mark
For i am no longer sure
of much,
of anything.
Automatic pilot is on strike,
As i must react to all that comes in
what was known becomes unknown
in this different zone
what was familar becomes unfamiliar,
i am like a child
learning once again
i know longer know
how to cross the street.
where to eat
where to buy paper
how to get the hot water in a shower
how to find the question make on the keyboard
where to ride a bus, and which one to take
even the simple takes thought
And my mind is constantly active
not confident in the little decisions i make
was this the best place
was i overcharged
what do i eat
prices no longer make sense
not just the currency but in their relation to one another.
why is this so cheap and this so expensive,
all is different as i negotiate new terrain.
It is stress,
not a negative,
not a positive,
it just is,
a heighten sense of alertness
where one must always decide
react
not with customary patterns,
but in new ways
i feel alive
i feel exhausted
i grow
slowly it will return
and i will be more sure
having stretched my boundaries,
i will leave this uncomfortable zone
of that i am confident
and though i must pass through this zone,
the more i do the more confidence grows
the more i challenge myself
the more that i pass through
the more that i believe that i can.
And i am starting to understand this place.
