i understand why a baby cries
why a toddler screams and shouts
stomps up and down
with the frustration that lay inside
unable to express
its needs and desires
its thoughts and questions
in any other way
i feel it too.
i cannot ask for what i want
or need
or express the ideas
yearnings
frustrations
and life
in my mind.
A word wants to come out
but i draw a blank
and stand mouth hanging open
silent or stumbling on sounds
My head is both full and empty
words float around but do not connect
They cannot understand what i have to say
and i do not fully understand what they tell me
a word here and there
a facial expression
a gesture to accompany the sounds
but i cannot express
all that lay deep inside
complex thoughts become simple
disappear
only half of what i want to say makes its way out
and then it is jumbled
like the words in my head,
like my thoughts become
simple and unformed
I am frustrated
want the sentences to flow from my mouth
but i can barely ask a question
i feel stupid
though i know i am not
i sound stupid
there is so much there that i cannot say
i feel incompetent
the complex becomes simple
ideas inside become simple
as i try to think in another language
one i barely know
that i try to learn.
Am i challenging
or punishing myself
forming new connections in the brain?
or stripping away the possibility of complex thought?
and is that in itself opening me up for more
for beyond
the chatter inside quietens
becomes mundane,
banal
for those are the only words i know
and i can never remember the howevers, therefores, and changes in tenses
or the words for the ideas that i have
Can i embrace the stillness and simplicity?
Do i want to?
Should I?
I want to cry like a baby
who knows no other way to talk
i feel like a toddler
who utters words, mispronounced
and points and grabs
who yells no nono no
when they dont understand
but i am not a baby
with another attuned to me
who can sense what i feel
who really wants to know
I am frustrated
i do not scream
i write.
And how often do we find ourselves unable to express that which is inside. But we need to find a way, be it through language, action, creativity or something, to let our being shine through. It can be frustrating when we have not found a away, or when we are amongst others who just cannot understand what we have to say, and we cannot understand them. Is patience the answer, is learning, is finding another way? Language can unite and it can divide, we speak in many tongues, and what most of us want is to be understood.
