emptiness

February 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm (Uncategorized)
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You empty yourself out
letting go
of everything you thought you were
or part thereof
and what remains?
what is there?
fears
dissolve
and the sense of self
that claimed you
engaged you
defined you
and probably caged you.

did you choose to let go
or was it something that was stripped away
by circumstance
divorce, loss of work, loss of …….
and did you really let go?
or did the emptiness come later
or do you still cling
to something
a frayed string that you do not know is there
one that could break at any moment

for a moment it slips
an empty space
free of clutter
you can see through
a blank page
a canvas upon which to draw

what flows through
where to begin
where are the points of reference
now gone from the map
which has been erased
it is blank
how do you feel?
excited?
afraid?
a mixture of both?
confused?
empty?
do the words pour forth
the brush flow along
liberated from all that constrained?
or do you hesitate
not knowing
drawing a blank
unsure of how to proceed
but feeling that you must
not comfortable with the emptiness?

can you sit with it for a while
until the voice does flow
can you sit quietly
do you have the patience
to wait for the light
to feed the small flame
trust that it will emerge
pen a word, paint a stroke
not quiet knowing what you are creating
but having faith?

it grows
slowly or quickly
pausing and the emerging
do you like what you see
can you see
can you keep on without knowing the outcome
a little at a time
or in bold action

or do you waver
when the others ask
what are you? who are you?
define yourself to me
¨i´m not sure¨ not a comfortable answer
though it is the truth for most
if it be told
all in creation

but in frustration
do you force yourself
fight the emptiness
and recreate what was familiar
maybe with different colours or an altered plot
but like the pulp novels the story is predictable
and the outcome is known

or in your determination to let go
to force it out
do you insist that you create something different
not waiting for the voice within
the empty space to fill in its own time
for the true light to emerge
and create frantically
oh so determinedly
trying to beat that deadline
and only in the end
see that the new is so much the same as what was there before.

or are you afraid
to paint again, to write again
wondering if it will too be a cage
bounding you
so you block out the light
and stare out into emptiness
but how long can it last
and what will come into fill the space
if you do not engage.

Write a word
draw a line
create
anew and anew and anew

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half the cup

February 20, 2010 at 8:55 pm (Uncategorized)
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is it half empty
or half full
how do you look at the cup?
that perpetual question
one whose answer we have learned
should be,
yes the should be,
half-full
to say so is to be an optimist
full of life.
But is that always THE best answer.
what does the cup contain?
do you fill it with more of the same?
do you need to empty it out?
rinse it clean
can you dilute what is there
if it is a beverage that makes you ill
or full of rocks that will not allow
it to be filled with water that is pure
for it can only be filled to the brim
yes overflow
but what spills out
joy?
Life?
something else?
or a wierd mixture
like the jungle juice we made as teens
grabbing whatever was close at hand
pouring them together in a random fashion
not always with the best results?
Or have you found a mixture
that tasted good for a while
but it is now time to change
add a new ingredient
but only room for some of it
can you empty it out?
can you fill it?
half empty
half full
both and neither
in flux and flow
filling and emptying
and somewhere in between.

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silences(d)

February 20, 2010 at 8:47 pm (Uncategorized)
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There is a time for silence
for going within
exploring the depths of the self and soul
without the chatter from outside
and quietening the chatter within
often only silent
after it has been given the chance to scream aloud
or talk itself out
for if you forcibly silence it
gaggle it
it will scream louder when it has the chance
in silence we can hear the voices
and let them pass through
within
a container to listen and hear
but a container
if held too long under pressure
can also explode
and just as there is a time for silence
there is a time for breaking the silence
to release what is within
in soft lava flow
enriching the soil below
without destroying it
fertility for new seeds and crops
which may be sown in silence
or not
the interplay of the two
of within and without
flowing.

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shadows dancing

February 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm (Uncategorized)
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i fall back
just as i feel i am moving forward
make new vows
and a challenge spits me in the face
the light shines bright
and storm comes in from nowhere
raining down upon the ground
and i want to stomp my feet
crawl back into the cave
hide away once again
feel that i have failed
yet one more time
the shadows come crawling out
haunting
dancing in the light
making faces and gestures
coming at you strong
i want to run back
but each time i do they get to rest
and strengthen themselves
like an incomplete dose of antibiotics
can i shine the light
make them visible
keep the light shining on
burn them away
watch them contort and scream aloud
as they burn off
watch calming
letting them go
not pouring water to douse the fire
letting it shine light through

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Starting the fire within

February 14, 2010 at 5:53 pm (Uncategorized)
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Sometimes it seems like dreams are gone – hopefully to be rekindled.

You need to feed your dreams or they die.

Light a fire

If there is a small fire within and you keep on feeding it, even with twigs and other small kindling and can keep the coals glowing, how much easier it is to begin again.

When it is extinguished, left to go out in the wind or the rain, or just not fed, how much more difficult it is to start – especially in the rain with damp wood.

When it is out, you need to begin to gather kindling, paper and the larger logs that will more enduring but with which you cannot start a fire by itself. You need to build it slowly, on a solid foundation, if it is to last.

At times the materials are near at hand, you may gather them for free, or you may have a stockpile that you have set aside, or one that may have been left by another – just for you or left behind. At times you must purchase what you need or go far afield to find the wood. For starter twigs may be near at hand, paper that you would through out but that you can use, what would be waste you can use. But don’t burn just garbage, the fire may smolder and the smell might be putrid.

And you will need a lighter or matches, the hot coal that wanderers of old did carry, a flint or if you are skilled two sticks to rub together. A spark that comes from somewhere.

And you must exert some effort to start it – yes for much of your life you might have watched others start a fire, or had one built for you, but it is important to learn to do for yourself. When you stare at the empty fire pit it can seem overwhelming but just staring at it and mooning about it will not get the fire started. Yes, someone might come along and offer help – this time – but you may eventually find yourself alone. At times is may come easily – the paper, wood and twigs are dry as it the night, but other times it may be more difficult when all is wet and damp, or just for some reason will not light. You may want to give up, and shiver in the dark, but have faith. Sometimes you may run out of matched, or the fire starter is in short supply.

At times the night be warm and light and do you need one? Will it spread beyond your control? Light the whole forest ablaze? or do you have the fire within . Will a single candle suffice?

I never knew how to start a fire but eventually i learned – i am still not great at it, some burn strong and other want to smolder, but i keep lighting fires where ever i go.

I started this entry months ago and now i realize that i let the fire within me die and as it died it shot out embers burning others and burning bridges. The fire inside is the one that counts – not only to light it to watch it die but to remember to keep on feeding it, valueing it, containing it, shining it, do not smother it or douse it in your tears of pity or anquish, but keep it aglow, even when you do not feel like getting up from the remaining warmth, or you want to put it out so you can crawl under the covers that shut out the light and sleep, sleep in more ways than one, in the sleep that is comfortable and seemingly safe.

But keep the light aglow, and to keep it steady is the harder challenge – keep not only the coal alive, that the you carry with you, but also the flame, the flame of god and life.

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The Shadow

February 14, 2010 at 5:45 pm (Uncategorized)
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What does the shadow reveal about ourselves and is that the proper name for it. It is what lurks in the dark, the other side of us, that which shows its face when we are not looking. Out basest fears and instincts. The side of us which we do not want to acknowledge,

A shadow needs the light to be seen and to be visible. In the total darkness there are no shadows. Or is darkness a shadow in its totality. As we step towards the light our shadows become visible and dance in our faces, making us face them, A crossing over, from side to side, shrinking, growing, shrinking – they do not block the light but are revealed by it.

 They often tempt us to jump back into the darkness so we do not have to see their contents, but their disappearance is an illusion. They descend deeper, become fuller, only to jump back out larger.

They are most visible when the sun is rising and when it is setting. At noon in the midday sun, you do not see them – let the sun shine on. Trust the light, pass through the shadows, shine the light on.

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learning language

December 2, 2009 at 4:23 pm (Uncategorized)
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i understand why a baby cries
why a toddler screams and shouts
stomps up and down
with the frustration that lay inside
unable to express
its needs and desires
its thoughts and questions
in any other way

i feel it too.
i cannot ask for what i want
or need
or express the ideas
yearnings
frustrations
and life
in my mind.
A word wants to come out
but i draw a blank
and stand mouth hanging open
silent or stumbling on sounds

My head is both full and empty
words float around but do not connect

They cannot understand what i have to say
and i do not fully understand what they tell me
a word here and there
a facial expression
a gesture to accompany the sounds
but i cannot express
all that lay deep inside

complex thoughts become simple
disappear
only half of what i want to say makes its way out
and then it is jumbled
like the words in my head,
like my thoughts become
simple and unformed

I am frustrated
want the sentences to flow from my mouth
but i can barely ask a question
i feel stupid
though i know i am not
i sound stupid
there is so much there that i cannot say
i feel incompetent
the complex becomes simple
ideas inside become simple
as i try to think in another language
one i barely know
that i try to learn.
Am i challenging
or punishing myself
forming new connections in the brain?
or stripping away the possibility of complex thought?
and is that in itself opening me up for more
for beyond
the chatter inside quietens
becomes mundane,
banal
for those are the only words i know
and i can never remember the howevers, therefores, and changes in tenses
or the words for the ideas that i have
Can i embrace the stillness and simplicity?
Do i want to?
Should I?

I want to cry like a baby
who knows no other way to talk
i feel like a toddler
who utters words, mispronounced
and points and grabs
who yells no nono no
when they dont understand
but i am not a baby
with another attuned to me
who can sense what i feel
who really wants to know
I am frustrated
i do not scream
i write.

And how often do we find ourselves unable to express that which is inside. But we need to find a way, be it through language, action, creativity or something, to let our being shine through. It can be frustrating when we have not found a away, or when we are amongst others who just cannot understand what we have to say, and we cannot understand them. Is patience the answer, is learning, is finding another way? Language can unite and it can divide, we speak in many tongues, and what most of us want is to be understood.

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Confidence Challenges

November 25, 2009 at 6:14 pm (Uncategorized)
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My confidence has bounced up and down,
i do not feel as certain as before,
A loss of the illusion of control
for more often i do not know,
do not know how to negotiate this place and way.
I no longer make definitive statements
all i utter seems to end in a question mark
For i am no longer sure
of much,
of anything.

Automatic pilot is on strike,
As i must react to all that comes in
what was known becomes unknown
in this different zone
what was familar becomes unfamiliar,
i am like a child
learning once again
i know longer know
how to cross the street.
where to eat
where to buy paper
how to get the hot water in a shower
how to find the question make on the keyboard
where to ride a bus, and which one to take
even the simple takes thought
And my mind is constantly active
not confident in the little decisions i make
was this the best place
was i overcharged
what do i eat
prices no longer make sense
not just the currency but in their relation to one another.
why is this so cheap and this so expensive,
all is different as i negotiate new terrain.

It is stress,
not a negative,
not a positive,
it just is,
a heighten sense of alertness
where one must always decide
react
not with customary patterns,
but in new ways
i feel alive
i feel exhausted
i grow

slowly it will return
and i will be more sure
having stretched my boundaries,
i will leave this uncomfortable zone
of that i am confident
and though i must pass through this zone,
the more i do the more confidence grows
the more i challenge myself
the more that i pass through
the more that i believe that i can.
And i am starting to understand this place.

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Packing the Baggage I Must Carry

November 16, 2009 at 3:48 am (Uncategorized)
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Tomorrow i leave, off on a new segment of this journey, this journey that has been going on for so long. As with each time i am about to take a leap, i am hesitant. Am i doing right? Am i coming or going? Running towards something or away? Is the answer, as always, both and neither?

My bags are almost packed, but i wait until the last moment to finish, to close the pack and this current phase of life, for i leap out unto the unknown. i may read about the destination, hear about it, talk with others, see pictures and films, but i do not know what to expect and that is scary. As i pack my bags i begin to get nervous, and want to flop back on the bed where my stuff sits about. What baggage do i carry with me – both outside, visible to the world, and within which i pretend is invisible. But i must focus, focus on the practicalities.

But what do i bring? Just what do i need? I do not know what i will encounter, or what i will need, so many terrains i will explore and each calls for something different. It seems like so much, but i can only bring a load i can bear. I have read the multitude of lists that tell you what you need – but somehow they do not seem right for me – they do not seem to fit. I ask myself how much can i carry. How much will fit? Just what can i cram in? I am small but strong – but what is strength.

What are those things that i am not going to use but that i cling onto? Do i leave behind what is of value, or do i toss something out along the way because it seems to heavy, though it is not the item that weighs me down. Am i packing the wrong things? Am I going the wrong places given what i have?

I carry a knapsack and a daypack and must be able to bear the burden of all the baggage i carry. Are they small and light enough that they will not limit me, but are they large enough to contain what i will need. I pull items in and out of the bag – just what am i unable to let go of? How heavy are my bags, and how much do they way me down? They are light enough for me to lift and carry, walk a few kilometres but how far can i journey with it. I carry too much, but i do not know what to leave behind. It is scary to let go, but you feel so much lighter when you “lighten you load”. How much of what i take is essential and how much of it is just stuff – stuff that takes up room and crowds out space for what may be new.

But at the same time i feel that i am unprepared. What have i forgotten to bring? What do i not possess? What have not i acquired, through inability, through ignorance, through laziness or through the sense that i do not deserve it? Already i know some things that i lack. What will i find along the way? Will i be able to acquire what i lack while i am there?

Can i be like the Peace Pilgrim who walked this land with little more than a toothbrush and a comb carried on by her faith in the universe? Will i end up like the guy in the film i just saw Into the Wild, who perishes out in the bush totally unprepared not having brought enough supplies, barely the essential tools. But maybe it is the tools i need to carry rather than things – to learn how to fish rather that carry the fish with me.

But i have what i have, the moment is now, i cannot delay. My bag is packed – it weighs more than it should. Maybe this trip i will get it right. I know there will be some things i will let go of and others i will gather. At the end, my bag may be lighter, or my back stronger, or hopefully both. The time comes to press onwards with what i have – it may not be perfect, but it is.

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Lost Keys on THE search

November 14, 2009 at 5:10 pm (Uncategorized)
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There are times in the journey in life where all seems lost and as much as you seek you cannot find the path. The search can become more frantic and desperate, but what you were searching for eludes you. And you get tired, and wonder what it was all about.

At times the search is like the lost object that sits right in front of your face – the set of keys on the counter that somehow you cannot see, so you embark on a frantic search. The keys are right there, where you left them, behind the bag of groceries you just set down. The bag would be so easy to move, but no you do not look there.

Instead, you search your pockets, your purse, under the pillows on the couch, your dresser, the chair, anywhere, but you cannot find them. Panic sets in, a freeze to your brain, and your hyperventilate, tension increasing, mind a blur, in desperation you open the fridge and check the door, into the freezer and under the peas, the medicine cabinet, behind and in the garbage, anywhere they just might be. You cannot sit still. you cannot go out. Where are they? You pace around, cushions scattered on the floor, drawers unturned, as they sit waiting for you on the counter.

You take a deep breath after a stream of tears – the groceries you say. You pick up the bag and empty its contents, not looking behind – over towards the counter where they are now in plain view. You check the produce, the carton of eggs, almost dropping them on the floor.

The telephone rings. You take the call. Your life is over. You break the date. Flop in front of the TV and mope about your night – the chance for fulfillment you just gave up. You stare blankly at the screen, seeing nothing, all a blur, the voices merge into one another becoming background static, but finally you sleep.

The restlessness, the tossing and turning cease as the channel goes off the air, racing dreams become still, and you become silent within, entering that other zone. That zone where all is clear and you are at peace.

Dawn breaks through the windowpanes and you awake. You stretch the body, take a deep breath and saunter into the kitchen. You glance over to the counter, and see the keys. On the counter in plain sight for all to see. They were there all along. You take them in your hands, a tear drops from your eyes as you wonder just what was it all about, and you smile. And walk outside. And you smile.

What we are searching for is often already there, in front of our faces or within ourselves if we would take a look, if only we could see. Breathe and smile.

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