At times i wonder if i can hear god
but i also fail to listen to myself
my higher self
i have not let go
failed to stay quiet when i felt myself empty
did not listen to that inner voice
or did i?
I find my candle dimming once again
my body becoming more dense
and to find the light ever more difficult
for i have returned to where i once was
both physically and mentally
and in action
and i will find myself going back once again
to a place that once claimed me
and has called me back for months
but now that i am about to go
i realize that it was but an empty illusion
one that i have clung to
clung to.
or was it god who put it in my mind
as i place that i am to go
do not resist
i have fought my calls for so long
and find myself not empty but heavy
the wandering and searching turned on once more
and the worry
which is one of the faces darkness wears
distanced from the present
for i did not let go
and is it too late?
I will hold onto the dim embers that i have
and the occasional burst of insight and light
and try to have faith that i am doing te right thing
but am i just setting myself up for another test
another learning situation
another circle
can i listen
and what do i listen to
Can i hear the angels
above the cacophony of the low chatter inside
Can i believe
How to hold on to faith.
I did not let go
March 12, 2010 at 10:10 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: circles, emptiness, letting go
monster within-without
February 24, 2010 at 10:10 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: compassion, darkness, letting go, shadows
Nothing was ever good enough
nothing was ever pure enough
i looked and looked
for more and better
and ended up with less and less
i want love, but do i know how to give it forth
i want acceptance, but can i withhold my judgements
a place where i can be who i am
without having to defend, explain, apologize,
where i can let go of the monster
that claims me inside
but is that monster really me
is the one who whines and complains the i
the i that i try to deny
for i know there is something more.
something that yearns to come out
that wants a hug
an embrace
but then the other reappears
and becomes the one
who must move on
not contaminate a place
but do i spead my poison throughout the world
how to show the love that is inside
somewhere,
wanting to emerge, to come out.
Do i cut myself off
go out to a place
where energy is contained
isolated
like a hermit,
a retreat from life
or can i join the dance
grow it and smile it.
I began this poem 2 monthes ago
and i still grapple with the issues
have just fled another place
a place of meditation and spirituality
where i did not feel safe
i felt fear
and so the monster showed its ugly head
and the person who needed love felt more alone
for when i feel the lack of love
i crawl into the smaller self
and the smaller self does not believe it will be loved
and puts barriers in its way
did i expose it to light
when i saw it had emerged
criticizing and complaining
i asked that it be exposed to light
for a shadow cannot be denied for it will grow
and did the light reach it
or was it just exposed
for all to see
will it dissolve
i want my light to shine through
more and more
to dissolve the fear that blinds
the devils fear
and open myself up to god
but i am not a saint,
i have that dark side
that needs light
so that it may be transformed
and wither away.
The monster is not me
it is fears and pain come to life
to grow a life where i am not afraid
and smile with joy
and the monster will become small
and furry
and benign
and eat cookies
and make others smile and laugh
and get a hug
and give a hug.
emptiness
February 20, 2010 at 9:16 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: change, emptiness, growth, letting go, life
You empty yourself out
letting go
of everything you thought you were
or part thereof
and what remains?
what is there?
fears
dissolve
and the sense of self
that claimed you
engaged you
defined you
and probably caged you.
did you choose to let go
or was it something that was stripped away
by circumstance
divorce, loss of work, loss of …….
and did you really let go?
or did the emptiness come later
or do you still cling
to something
a frayed string that you do not know is there
one that could break at any moment
for a moment it slips
an empty space
free of clutter
you can see through
a blank page
a canvas upon which to draw
what flows through
where to begin
where are the points of reference
now gone from the map
which has been erased
it is blank
how do you feel?
excited?
afraid?
a mixture of both?
confused?
empty?
do the words pour forth
the brush flow along
liberated from all that constrained?
or do you hesitate
not knowing
drawing a blank
unsure of how to proceed
but feeling that you must
not comfortable with the emptiness?
can you sit with it for a while
until the voice does flow
can you sit quietly
do you have the patience
to wait for the light
to feed the small flame
trust that it will emerge
pen a word, paint a stroke
not quiet knowing what you are creating
but having faith?
it grows
slowly or quickly
pausing and the emerging
do you like what you see
can you see
can you keep on without knowing the outcome
a little at a time
or in bold action
or do you waver
when the others ask
what are you? who are you?
define yourself to me
¨i´m not sure¨ not a comfortable answer
though it is the truth for most
if it be told
all in creation
but in frustration
do you force yourself
fight the emptiness
and recreate what was familiar
maybe with different colours or an altered plot
but like the pulp novels the story is predictable
and the outcome is known
or in your determination to let go
to force it out
do you insist that you create something different
not waiting for the voice within
the empty space to fill in its own time
for the true light to emerge
and create frantically
oh so determinedly
trying to beat that deadline
and only in the end
see that the new is so much the same as what was there before.
or are you afraid
to paint again, to write again
wondering if it will too be a cage
bounding you
so you block out the light
and stare out into emptiness
but how long can it last
and what will come into fill the space
if you do not engage.
Write a word
draw a line
create
anew and anew and anew
half the cup
February 20, 2010 at 8:55 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: change, emptiness, growth, letting go, transition
is it half empty
or half full
how do you look at the cup?
that perpetual question
one whose answer we have learned
should be,
yes the should be,
half-full
to say so is to be an optimist
full of life.
But is that always THE best answer.
what does the cup contain?
do you fill it with more of the same?
do you need to empty it out?
rinse it clean
can you dilute what is there
if it is a beverage that makes you ill
or full of rocks that will not allow
it to be filled with water that is pure
for it can only be filled to the brim
yes overflow
but what spills out
joy?
Life?
something else?
or a wierd mixture
like the jungle juice we made as teens
grabbing whatever was close at hand
pouring them together in a random fashion
not always with the best results?
Or have you found a mixture
that tasted good for a while
but it is now time to change
add a new ingredient
but only room for some of it
can you empty it out?
can you fill it?
half empty
half full
both and neither
in flux and flow
filling and emptying
and somewhere in between.
shadows dancing
February 18, 2010 at 6:37 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: challenges, growth, letting go, light, shadows
i fall back
just as i feel i am moving forward
make new vows
and a challenge spits me in the face
the light shines bright
and storm comes in from nowhere
raining down upon the ground
and i want to stomp my feet
crawl back into the cave
hide away once again
feel that i have failed
yet one more time
the shadows come crawling out
haunting
dancing in the light
making faces and gestures
coming at you strong
i want to run back
but each time i do they get to rest
and strengthen themselves
like an incomplete dose of antibiotics
can i shine the light
make them visible
keep the light shining on
burn them away
watch them contort and scream aloud
as they burn off
watch calming
letting them go
not pouring water to douse the fire
letting it shine light through
Packing the Baggage I Must Carry
November 16, 2009 at 3:48 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: baggage, fear, growth, journeys, letting go, packing
Tomorrow i leave, off on a new segment of this journey, this journey that has been going on for so long. As with each time i am about to take a leap, i am hesitant. Am i doing right? Am i coming or going? Running towards something or away? Is the answer, as always, both and neither?
My bags are almost packed, but i wait until the last moment to finish, to close the pack and this current phase of life, for i leap out unto the unknown. i may read about the destination, hear about it, talk with others, see pictures and films, but i do not know what to expect and that is scary. As i pack my bags i begin to get nervous, and want to flop back on the bed where my stuff sits about. What baggage do i carry with me – both outside, visible to the world, and within which i pretend is invisible. But i must focus, focus on the practicalities.
But what do i bring? Just what do i need? I do not know what i will encounter, or what i will need, so many terrains i will explore and each calls for something different. It seems like so much, but i can only bring a load i can bear. I have read the multitude of lists that tell you what you need – but somehow they do not seem right for me – they do not seem to fit. I ask myself how much can i carry. How much will fit? Just what can i cram in? I am small but strong – but what is strength.
What are those things that i am not going to use but that i cling onto? Do i leave behind what is of value, or do i toss something out along the way because it seems to heavy, though it is not the item that weighs me down. Am i packing the wrong things? Am I going the wrong places given what i have?
I carry a knapsack and a daypack and must be able to bear the burden of all the baggage i carry. Are they small and light enough that they will not limit me, but are they large enough to contain what i will need. I pull items in and out of the bag – just what am i unable to let go of? How heavy are my bags, and how much do they way me down? They are light enough for me to lift and carry, walk a few kilometres but how far can i journey with it. I carry too much, but i do not know what to leave behind. It is scary to let go, but you feel so much lighter when you “lighten you load”. How much of what i take is essential and how much of it is just stuff – stuff that takes up room and crowds out space for what may be new.
But at the same time i feel that i am unprepared. What have i forgotten to bring? What do i not possess? What have not i acquired, through inability, through ignorance, through laziness or through the sense that i do not deserve it? Already i know some things that i lack. What will i find along the way? Will i be able to acquire what i lack while i am there?
Can i be like the Peace Pilgrim who walked this land with little more than a toothbrush and a comb carried on by her faith in the universe? Will i end up like the guy in the film i just saw Into the Wild, who perishes out in the bush totally unprepared not having brought enough supplies, barely the essential tools. But maybe it is the tools i need to carry rather than things – to learn how to fish rather that carry the fish with me.
But i have what i have, the moment is now, i cannot delay. My bag is packed – it weighs more than it should. Maybe this trip i will get it right. I know there will be some things i will let go of and others i will gather. At the end, my bag may be lighter, or my back stronger, or hopefully both. The time comes to press onwards with what i have – it may not be perfect, but it is.
