Tomorrow i leave, off on a new segment of this journey, this journey that has been going on for so long. As with each time i am about to take a leap, i am hesitant. Am i doing right? Am i coming or going? Running towards something or away? Is the answer, as always, both and neither?
My bags are almost packed, but i wait until the last moment to finish, to close the pack and this current phase of life, for i leap out unto the unknown. i may read about the destination, hear about it, talk with others, see pictures and films, but i do not know what to expect and that is scary. As i pack my bags i begin to get nervous, and want to flop back on the bed where my stuff sits about. What baggage do i carry with me – both outside, visible to the world, and within which i pretend is invisible. But i must focus, focus on the practicalities.
But what do i bring? Just what do i need? I do not know what i will encounter, or what i will need, so many terrains i will explore and each calls for something different. It seems like so much, but i can only bring a load i can bear. I have read the multitude of lists that tell you what you need – but somehow they do not seem right for me – they do not seem to fit. I ask myself how much can i carry. How much will fit? Just what can i cram in? I am small but strong – but what is strength.
What are those things that i am not going to use but that i cling onto? Do i leave behind what is of value, or do i toss something out along the way because it seems to heavy, though it is not the item that weighs me down. Am i packing the wrong things? Am I going the wrong places given what i have?
I carry a knapsack and a daypack and must be able to bear the burden of all the baggage i carry. Are they small and light enough that they will not limit me, but are they large enough to contain what i will need. I pull items in and out of the bag – just what am i unable to let go of? How heavy are my bags, and how much do they way me down? They are light enough for me to lift and carry, walk a few kilometres but how far can i journey with it. I carry too much, but i do not know what to leave behind. It is scary to let go, but you feel so much lighter when you “lighten you load”. How much of what i take is essential and how much of it is just stuff – stuff that takes up room and crowds out space for what may be new.
But at the same time i feel that i am unprepared. What have i forgotten to bring? What do i not possess? What have not i acquired, through inability, through ignorance, through laziness or through the sense that i do not deserve it? Already i know some things that i lack. What will i find along the way? Will i be able to acquire what i lack while i am there?
Can i be like the Peace Pilgrim who walked this land with little more than a toothbrush and a comb carried on by her faith in the universe? Will i end up like the guy in the film i just saw Into the Wild, who perishes out in the bush totally unprepared not having brought enough supplies, barely the essential tools. But maybe it is the tools i need to carry rather than things – to learn how to fish rather that carry the fish with me.
But i have what i have, the moment is now, i cannot delay. My bag is packed – it weighs more than it should. Maybe this trip i will get it right. I know there will be some things i will let go of and others i will gather. At the end, my bag may be lighter, or my back stronger, or hopefully both. The time comes to press onwards with what i have – it may not be perfect, but it is.
