God, the universe, responding to requests

The power of your thoughts and desires has been shown to me again today. And how often i forget that god answers your requests, though not always immediately. And at times i forget, and wonder what i am doing in a certain place or situation, one that ¨does not please me¨ and then i realize it is precisely what i wished for or asked for some time before. And when my eyes are closed, i often complain internally and ask for something else – never satisfied so it seems. And i wonder why god doesn´t get fed up, tell my to shut up and just make up my mind, why god continues to listen to me and answer my prayers. Especially since i often don´t really know what i want, or more important, what i need.

I have been in San Cristobal, MX for a few days now. It is a lovely city but i am going antsy with the intensity of the place and walk around in circles, though i know in reality it is quite calm, still it is a city. And i have spent much of my time here wondering where to next, and questioning the path that led me here. This morning i got up earlyish, and went and sat in the zocalo, drinking a coffee, listening to the birds and watching the town centre awake. I became calm and though this is precisely what i asked for several months ago – a cute town with cafes, a cheap place to stay, internet where i could write, town squares with trees where people gather, and wow i am here. And i thank god for that.

Still, i often do not really know what i want, or do not clearly voice my deepest desires and needs and seek a way out of what is – instead of being with it. And more importantly, i do not listen to god, feel that i cannot hear, when i ask for direction on what i should be doing, on what i really need. And i think i am answered, but am too caught up in my own plans, or resist, and do not listen.

I am thankful and grateful and i will try to leave out the but… I will  not  resist, and see how i have called a place, person or situation forward. And i will  be more clear in what i request from the universe, from god, for thought are forms and are creative in and of themselves. Thank you. I have asked you to direct me since i am unclear, and please help me listen to and see your message, and open my heart to it and not shut down to it.
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the paradox of (in)significance

we are so small
yet full of the ¨me¨
even when attempting to dissolve the ego
the me does grow
holding on
gripping even more tightly
afraid of dissolution.

When i look at the ocean, the planet, the large trees
across a flat prairie or desert
at the open sky,
i feel so small
so insignificant
compared to the vastness that is there

and then i look at the blades of grass, the ants that crawl amongst them
the mosquitoes and fish
the leaves and the specks of dirt and sand,
the flakes of snow or drops of rain
and all that is small
but plentiful
and i remember how many of even us humans there are
the story of i becomes small
and then i visit ruins of civilizations that lay before
ruins forgotten and reclaimed
and i think of time
and how i am but a blip
and i feel insignificant
my story one of many

but then i remember
a smile
a cutting remark
received or given
and realize how much power each can have
how a single small action
can manifest
and make a huge difference
even unknown to me.
How the small can be so large
and so powerful
and have such a significant impact.

The paradox of (in)significance.

meditation for light within

a meditation when my mind does wander
and petty thoughts come bubbling up
i look into the light
the light of consciousness
the holy spirit
to enter inside
so that i may hear the word of god
without my own chatter entering in
that part of me that insists that i know
to clear my eyes so i can see
clearly
that kernal of light in all
to see the glory of creation
to not turn away from that i do not wish to face
to not be blinded by the big me inside
to take away the haze
the blindfolds
the rose coloured glasses
and to see the energy in all
the glow
and to clear my mind
so that i may percieve
to gather insights
into the world
not jumping forward with conclusions
or preconsceptions
insisting that i know
the world defined large
in all that be
to clear the lump in my throat
so i may sing
of joy
and speak the truth
but gently
to disolve the blocks
where energy does not flow
the places where i still hold on
to past energy
that make me heavy and clouded
and most of all
to light my heart
so i can feel gods love
and so i can spread love
and light to all.

for the moments that i am quiet inside
all becomes clear
light does shine.

The Shadow

What does the shadow reveal about ourselves and is that the proper name for it. It is what lurks in the dark, the other side of us, that which shows its face when we are not looking. Out basest fears and instincts. The side of us which we do not want to acknowledge,

A shadow needs the light to be seen and to be visible. In the total darkness there are no shadows. Or is darkness a shadow in its totality. As we step towards the light our shadows become visible and dance in our faces, making us face them, A crossing over, from side to side, shrinking, growing, shrinking – they do not block the light but are revealed by it.

 They often tempt us to jump back into the darkness so we do not have to see their contents, but their disappearance is an illusion. They descend deeper, become fuller, only to jump back out larger.

They are most visible when the sun is rising and when it is setting. At noon in the midday sun, you do not see them – let the sun shine on. Trust the light, pass through the shadows, shine the light on.

false gold

It can be easy to fall off the path and follow false prophets whose roads twinlke with light where fools gold glistens more brightly than that which is pure. Shiny metal that will lose its lustre, that will dull and fade with time, whose worth was but an illusion. For a while you cling to it for you cannot see the gold that is already there. It may have its own value for  gives you something for a moment – a break from the pain you feel inside, and the hope you need to continue on. But when it burns out you find yourself a long way from the path you were on, the one that was meant for you. You cannot see it through the forest,do not know that it continues just over yonder hill and you want to turn back from where you came. And you are no longer sure – how do you tell the difference between illusions  and that which is pure for you have been fooled too many times before, and have given up, changed directions when the path is just around the corner. You are tired, empty-handed, and can barely stagger on. But you put a foot forward, take a breath, and continue on with the all the faith you can muster, and find yourself back on the path.

Temporary Emotions

I travel now, move quickly through time and space. The entry i had written in my journal yesterday seems so far away that i can no longer type it up here and that is fine. For if the emotions i felt were temporary, they will return, but i hope not for i was going to write about resentment, and that feeling is gone.

When you move through space, travel quickly, emotions bounce up and down, intense and near the surface. And they claim you for a moment. But what this reminds me, it that all is fleeting and passing through, nothing is permanent. And my movement makes the movement within much faster and deeper – nothing sticks around for long. And when i am in a negative zone where it feels so encompassing i must remember that it will pass. it may come back but that too will pass.

I will not write about resentment here, though i did in my journal. I had to let it pass through me through words. But if i write about it again, i will only return to that space where i do not wish to be. My emotions have been near the surface – the tears i shed on the plane because i forgot to bring headphones, so real, an internal meltdown, only to find there were some in the seat 0 and yes i could watch the film. All is raw, but that is good, all i felt for months in stability seems like a dream, as will this that i write. 

 

True Gifts

To give is to truly give of yourself, not just in terms of duties or of time, but in being there – heart and soul in all that you do. Give from the heart for anything given with love or joy is a gift.

Do not offer something that you are not truly willing to give, nor empty yourself out to serve another for you end up doing a disservice to both yourself and them. In the short term it might help, but in the long run it will harm.

For how many times have we feared giving to another with the belief that our gifts will not be accepted, will not be good enough. And how many times have we been hesitant to receive wondering what the catch is, what is wanted from us. Or having accepted a gift feel bad or guilty because of it, and then begun to resent it.

Though it is through giving that we receive do not give with the expectation of getting something in return – be it recognition or obligation – for that is not a gift but an exchange, and debtors does it create. Do not give with resentment, for that is what your gift will contain. Do not try to make others feel inferior if you have more to give, for we all have gifts inside, and what you will do is bring them down rather than lift them up. And to not give in order to try to mold someone to your expectations for the largest gift is that which helps another be the best person they can be, that acknowledges who they are inside.

And learn to receive, graciously, with appreciation and thanks. And by receiving that way, we will allow others and ourselves to continue to give. For all there are seasons of giving and of taking.

What you share flows through the universe and will be passed on, possibly unknown to you, to corners of the earth, and corners of souls where it is needed the most. All is passed on, and it is the consciousness behind the acts that floats upon the winds and through the hands, mouths and souls of all.

Lost Keys on THE search

There are times in the journey in life where all seems lost and as much as you seek you cannot find the path. The search can become more frantic and desperate, but what you were searching for eludes you. And you get tired, and wonder what it was all about.

At times the search is like the lost object that sits right in front of your face – the set of keys on the counter that somehow you cannot see, so you embark on a frantic search. The keys are right there, where you left them, behind the bag of groceries you just set down. The bag would be so easy to move, but no you do not look there.

Instead, you search your pockets, your purse, under the pillows on the couch, your dresser, the chair, anywhere, but you cannot find them. Panic sets in, a freeze to your brain, and your hyperventilate, tension increasing, mind a blur, in desperation you open the fridge and check the door, into the freezer and under the peas, the medicine cabinet, behind and in the garbage, anywhere they just might be. You cannot sit still. you cannot go out. Where are they? You pace around, cushions scattered on the floor, drawers unturned, as they sit waiting for you on the counter.

You take a deep breath after a stream of tears – the groceries you say. You pick up the bag and empty its contents, not looking behind – over towards the counter where they are now in plain view. You check the produce, the carton of eggs, almost dropping them on the floor.

The telephone rings. You take the call. Your life is over. You break the date. Flop in front of the TV and mope about your night – the chance for fulfillment you just gave up. You stare blankly at the screen, seeing nothing, all a blur, the voices merge into one another becoming background static, but finally you sleep.

The restlessness, the tossing and turning cease as the channel goes off the air, racing dreams become still, and you become silent within, entering that other zone. That zone where all is clear and you are at peace.

Dawn breaks through the windowpanes and you awake. You stretch the body, take a deep breath and saunter into the kitchen. You glance over to the counter, and see the keys. On the counter in plain sight for all to see. They were there all along. You take them in your hands, a tear drops from your eyes as you wonder just what was it all about, and you smile. And walk outside. And you smile.

What we are searching for is often already there, in front of our faces or within ourselves if we would take a look, if only we could see. Breathe and smile.

Lamp on a stand

It is only by sharing and giving and loving and kindness that we light our lamps and walk towards god.

 No one lights a lamp and hides in a jar or puts it under a bed. instead he puts it on a stand, so that all those who come in can see the light. Luke 8:18

You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way let your light shine before men… Matthew 5:13-15

Yet how often do we hide our light away, seeking to protect it and ourselves, believing that it is safest to do so? Fearing that if we put our candle out on the stand that it may be blown out in the wind? For how many times have many of us been told to do so, often by the ones who love and care for us, the ones who want to keep us safe? And we may have believed that a glass bowl is the only protection from those who howl and blow mightedly with hurricane gales only to learn too late that a lack of oxygen suffocates the flame.

 Although we may become afraid to rekindle the fire that lies within,  the embers lie buried deep inside, and we know that we must. So we step close to a burning light and allow its flames to spark our lamp, and begin to shine once again, first within and then without.

We may fear shining too brightly for our light  casts shadows on the darkness around. There are those who will seek to snuff us out, for their shadows have become more visible when exposed to light. We are tempted to judge and condemn them for doing so, but it is their very judgement and criticism that makes us want to crawl back under the bed. If we succumb, we add to the darkness itself, dousing not only our own flame, however feeble, but also of those around. At times, i am tempted to burn them through or hide away.

Then I remember that I lit my candle off another. And i wonder, how many times have i seen my shadows and run away or thrown water or blown mightedly at a light that was greater than my own. And there are many times that i have, but it was the darkness inside, and not the light that led me to do so. And i remember, that in order to spark my flame, the light was not hidden away, but it was visible and available even through the fog and on a stormy night and it shone on me.

So i will place my lamp upon the stand and add light to those around. And i will remember a light of compassion and understanding when the forces grow dark. For it is only light that crowds out darkess, and the more light that shines the more it grows, and the easier it becomes to find a flame when the winds become so strong. Let there be light!

Give Thanks Each Day

Years ago, when all hung heavily around me  I read about a simple tool and decided to try it for a while. It was to write down 10 things each day that i was thankful for.  At first it seemed next to impossible for what i saw were shortcomings and problems and i found it difficult not to criticize or add a but… At the beginning i would have to force myself and delve inside to find 10 good things. I would not know what to be thankful for and would go for the obvious, the food i ate, the bed i slept in, a sunny day, a public restroom when i desperately needed one. And i often did it without feeling, like the thanks we give to customers when we are working a cash register or when someone opens a door in front of us. At times, when i drew a blank and wrote down those things that i have been told to be thankful for i felt i was telling a lie and wondered it i were really an ungrateful soul. But i persevered and continued to write the words on paper and slowly i began to feel thankful and blessed.  

At first i would feel grateful for some of the grand experiences or things – a spectacular sunset, a majestic mountain, a gift from a friend, an unexpected chance or an answer to my prayers. And then i began to feel thankful when something appeared after an absence or a loss – a warm bed and dry socks after camping in the rain, good health after getting over a cold or a flu, trees flowering in the spring, income and a job after being unemployed and broke, a call from someone after spending too much time alone, time alone after being surrounded by people. For each of these and many more things i was grateful and recognized it – a first – but then i often became blase, took them granted and even began to grumble about the very thing i had been thankful for. And then i would forget to write down 10 things each day. But the lesson came back to me, and i would remember to give thanks each day once again. I finally learned how and it changed my vision of the world.

On those days where the light shines upon us and all those around and we float lightly upon the earth, it seems a simple task for we know there is much to be thankful for – our loved ones, be they near or far, people or pets, a kind word, a blue sky or clouds above, a good book or movie, a conversation overheard, the beauty of a street we walk down or of another’s face, a flower or a leaf on a tree, a parking spot, peace, joy - the list can be endless.  

But on those days where we “just know” that the entire world is conspiring against us, it can be tough – and it is on those very days when all we want to do is grumble that it is the most important to remember to do so – to add thanks to our grumblings. Sometimes we are forced to come up with something - anything. A simple smile from a stranger, that loved one who is presently driving us nuts, a bed to sleep in, food to eat even if it is just rice, potatoes or peanut butter sandwiched and we want for more, for that meal over at the next table. If it is pouring down rain upon us or we are shivering cold, remember the days when the sun shone endlessly and we prayed for rain or a break to the heat. If we were stuck in traffic, we can be thankful for the road, the car or transit, that we have somewhere to go.  Be thankful for that flower, even if it is but a dandelion, for the bird, even if it is a crow, seagull or pigeon, or the insects that buzz around for that is life. The sun, the moon, the stars  above, though they may be obscured, we know they are there. If nothing else seems to work, we can be thankful that we can write 10 things down, the we have a pen, pencil or keyboard,  the ability to read and write, eyes to see, fingers to use and that we are alive.

ur By thanking each day we remember to be grateful, not only on the good days, or when we get something or someone after an absence or a loss but all the time. It can show us what we truly value, and shine light on what we often overlook.  It make us feel more alive. And slowly, we may remember to pause and truly give thanks throughout the day.

For that simple tool i am thankful, for it helped teach me to be grateful and to open my eyes to the beauty of the world. Yes, there are days where i still grumble and complain, but i remember that light is there, and hopefully, i shine it through, even just a bit.

Thank You! 

And in doing so i reframed my vision and my focus.

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